I’m a senior now

I am graduating next year.

How crazy is that? I’m turning 18 this year, I’m currently adulting. I am graduating high school next school year. It’s all hitting me fast. It has been difficult, and even more difficult things to come. Its been worth it. I’ve met such amazing people through school recently. I’ve met someone who I adore so greatly. New friends, new support group. And its the first time I have ever had a positive group of friends to be with. I am loving it. but I am scared.

I am scared of graduating without my dad.

My dad was my main support to graduate. He recognized the previous high school I was attending was un healthy for me. So he recommended the one I’m at now. best decision of my life. He was my best friend. The one id spend time with every weekend. We would eat Chinese food every time. and burn our tongues on the hot tea. It’s so difficult to even talk about him in past tense. It’ll be a whole year already here soon. I miss him and my brother more than anything in this universe.

When I graduate I know they will be the most proud of me. And thanks to my dads sister, I will be able to walk with him. She gave me a necklace with some of his ashes inside and his picture engraved into it. Along with his high school graduation tassel. Its going to be hard, but a long journey worth taking.

I am scared of leaving my parents.

No matter how much I want to move out it still will be difficult. Leaving my bedroom behind. My mom and step dad. My old doggo Max. My mom and I, We argue, we fight, we yell, but I still love them both.

I am afraid of my friends and I growing apart.

After high school people end up doing different things. Me and my small group of friends have plans to all be together after we graduate. Like live in an apartment together. Share the the rent. Go to the same colleges in Alaska. Since that’s all we could afford currently. But I’m still scared of having something happen to us that makes us all just disappear from each others lives. this group of people I love so much they help me through a lot and we always have others back through anything. they know when im sad, angry, without me having to say a word. And these are the people who are going to go far in life. Such a positive vibe from us all. Id be very upset if I lose them somehow. I have faith that we wont be disappearing anytime soon at least.

Conquering fear creates opportunity…

Your largest fear carries your largest growth! You can’t sit and watch as fear takes over all your futures beautiful things. As much as I fear the future, I cannot wait to learn from it. I know ill make mistakes. But that’s okay, things happen. I’ll know better next time. to conquer fear you must find courage and face it head on. It isn’t easy, especially with some who suffers from anxiety as my self. It’s definitely possible. Conquer it with supportive friends and/or family. And if you don’t have a stable support system seek a counselor! Either from school or just a trusted adult. there are so many ways you can do it. I recently found this article on how to conquer your fears now and I thinks its worth the read (: 33 powerful ways to overcome your fear.

As for me, ill be just focusing on the present. On finishing my over due chemistry projects, my reading assignment for the college course I’m taking, and then just enjoying time with my best friends.

Until next time…

~Mariah

 

I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” —Nelson Mandela

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Words I am too afraid to say to you

Late nights spent with you on my mind…

12:34 AM 

Your warm breath dances across my skin

The darkness falls victim to the sunrise

Our conversion to silence

Only our hushed breaths can be heard

Your head lays heavy In my lap

Staring at the moon

My fingers In your hair as you sleep

I’m In love you.

12:35 AM

The chill air hitting my skin

The sun falls victim to the darkness

Our love to nothingness

Only my hushed sobbing can be heard

Your picture lays In my lap

I am wishing for you

My head In my hands

I’m still In love with you.

- Mariah Miller AestheteAk

Wish me luck..

Lets just start out by saying

” Can I be excused for the rest of my life?”

So I was watching sponge bob the other day.. Of course I still watch it,  I may almost be an adult but doesn’t mean on my downtime I cant sit and watching sponge bob eating ice cream.

Anyways, i was watching an episode and while he was in boating school he said that. I guess my whole point is I can relate to sponge bob with this one.

Back to my point. In my behavioral health class that I was taking, we had to create a 32 page portfolio/lesson plan about our subject of choice. My group decided on making a lesson for teachers on how they can better support their students who suffer from extreme anxiety. It turned out pretty well and I’m currently doing its final touches and then we are going to a huge nationwide competition with it.

Last Thursday, it was due for our first run through for presentations. Which in itself made me want to throw up with anxiety. My group scrambled to finish it on time. ( we had an hour before presentation to finish it up) Besides one of our group members who hasn’t been to any of our team meetings and doesn’t even know what the project is. He blames me and my best friend for his absence and immaturity, hilarious. Lets just name him Jimmy. Never pull a Jimmy you guys. Never.

Either way, my stress and anxiety level was through the roof, so when I stood up to present. Man oh man. My group member began her speaking part and then it was my turn. My part started out find, until I accidentally stuttered on a word. It triggered me in to a full blown out panic attack. Shaking, no breathing, I couldn’t hold it down.

Then I forced my self to calm down as quickly as possible. I held it all in red faced, teary eyes and finished my speaking part. Then right after the clapping from my peers and professors began, I bolted out of the room.

Of course, my best friend come out after me with her service pup. She sat beside me as her dog attacked me with love. It helped a bunch. I love and appreciate her tons.

Crying during such an important presentation. Man, how petrifying. Everyone saw me to. No hiding that.

But i am proud of myself for overcoming my anxiety and panic at the moment. Also, few days after writing the top portion of this, I received an email from my professor. She told me my grade of my first college course.

98% A+

I am so damn proud of that. All my hard work has defiantly paid off. Now all that Is left is the state (and if I place the national) competition portion of this. A 6 minute oral presentation in front of judges, then them looking over our portfolios.

Wish me luck…

 

More about me?

Hello hello again. How are you? I hope you are well. I just wanted to maybe post a little more about myself. Hopefully its entertaining to read (probably not because I’m pretty ehh but you never know.)

I am a junior in high school who is way ahead and taking college courses for free. (Because how in the world could I ever pass that opportunity up?!) I’m very interested in psychology. I am almost 98% positive I want to be in that field. I’m planning on staying in Alaska for college as well. I often visit Tri-cities area in Washington (or sometimes Seattle) and Newport, Oregon. Those are my three other favorite places to be.

I grew up in Sicily, Italy for the first 4 years of my life. I wish I could remember more then I do but I was just too young. Used to be fluent but sadly, not so much anymore ): Its a place I definitely want to go back to someday. I have not one full sibling, I only have step, half, adopted ones. Two younger sisters at the ages of 10 and 12.  Then the rest are all much older. 25 and up!

I live with my mom and her husband right outside of Palmer. The view from my house is to die for. I’m very blessed to be here. I spend most of my time procrastinating then catching up last minute (I really need to stop that)

I have been a belly dancer for almost 5 years now. My dance teacher recently discontinued classes due to her family problems so for the past couple months I’ve been practicing by myself. I’m also thinking about taking actual contemporary/lyrical dance classes instead of just self teaching. Its worth the money, almost like a therapy to me.

My classes right now are pretty hard and I have been trying a lot more things like Skiing and snowboarding. Which i have fell absolutely in love with, besides the fact my knee is still purple and sprained weeks later. Again, its still worth it.

I have also been reading a lot more.  Here are a few of the books I’ve fell in love with over the year… Continue reading “More about me?”

Nice to meet you!

      Well, this is my very first blog post! I am super excited to be finally sitting down and starting something I’ve always wanted to do. I wish I knew exactly how id like this blog to go, but I just want to start writing.
      I struggle on a daily basis with this thing that makes my life extremely unbearable at times. It feels as if I am stuck on a never ending highway. There are many turnoffs that lead to such abundances of adventure and life. Each time I do decide to turn, it wont turn. Almost as if certain forces are holding me back, Anxiety, Depression, Trauma.  I do not like labels. But here I am, using them against myself because I am not even sure what I am anymore. The doctors, teachers, parents, friends, siblings. They don’t know either.
      I do know a few things…
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      I am a young women finding herself In the town of Palmer, Alaska. A place full little stores, coffee shops, history. Farms and mountains surrounding us. Loving elders and  teens full of unrealistic dreams. It gets old being here and knowing every one, but Its beautiful here. It soothes the broken soul, so to say. Being able to sit 20 minutes out of Palmer on a bridge right on the base of a mountain. Watch the sun go up and down as the days go by. Listen to the crisp, snowy footsteps of winter.
      I am a dancer, artist, poet. A 17 year old young women thinking to hard on silly things. Falling in love and being broken again. Learning how to mend herself from such horrible things. I am a photographer, the beauty in someones eyes, the wind. I am not anxiety, nor depression, trauma, ADHD. Even if some or most days it feels like I am. I was just born with such things, but they do not define who I am. Nature defines me. And all of arts beautiful and ugly truths.

I promise not all blog posts will be this deep. This is just my first one so ill work on it. A few things ill be discussing here will be nature art photography. I do want to talk about my lifes triumphs and struggles. I have a lot of both. From the anxiety that controls my daily actions to the dreams I have to help people. I love to make crafts and diys, write music, inspire others, and just talk. My point is I’m sure ill have a variety of things to read for a variety of audiences.

I really hope to see you at a future post!(: I plan on updating once a week depending on what my college class throws at me. 

“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.”  Charles R. Swindoll